What a great story I have for you today.. it's a bit cheeky, bit after hours, little bit explicit, very much another one of those classic "Ross you old dog" stories that everyone is so fond of (e.g. My Mum).
You already know, it's in the title. I went to a Strip Club.
This amazing Photo done by none other than Rob Gray! The guy is a Photoshop genius!
Did I start my night thinking that I would be staring lovingly into a strippers massive... eyes? of course not. It was just another night out, specifically it was a delayed 23rd birthday night out for me in Peterborough with some work colleagues. The classic pre-drinks games of Ring of Fire and Never Have I Ever (Which is basically me not drinking most of the time until someone asks "Never have I ever cried myself to sleep"). I was on the Southern Comfort and Lemonades, a sophisticated drink which really oozes class when poured into a plastic cup. By the time we got out to the town I was pretty drunk, and by pretty I mean I can't really remember a lot, most of my night was traced back by a series of snapchats from one of my friends who decided to document me trying to chat up the back of a girls head because she wouldn't turn round and give me the time of day.
As for the night out it was pretty standard, our group thinned as the night went on, some to go home due to being too drunk and some to go drink tea and watch the Jungle Book. Until there was just me and a friend left.
I'm not sure what it is about my relationship with alcohol, it can do one of two things to me.
1. Overly Confident Ross: Imagine a tortoise in a shell, all his life he was raised to use this shell as protection from being attacked by female tortoises'. Imagine that one day that same tortoise was minding his own business and happened upon some whiskey smelling liquid in his garden. Imagine the tortoise drank some. What does the tortoise learn? He learns that he's mother fucking Blastoise from Pokemon and he has nothing to fear! He swaggers over to the lady tortoises (of course he bloody does) and even if they reject him (which they clearly will, he's no Charizard), its like *ping* his shell is indestructible, the rejections just bounce off. He is confident, he is funny, he just has no cares in the world. Until of course the morning after when he realises he is just a tortoise.
2. Existential Crisis Ross: I'm in a black and white film. I'm sat at a bar on a Wednesday night, alone. I stare at my drink in front of me, the liquid sits peacefully exactly half way in the glass. I ponder, is my glass half full or is it half empty? Ludovico Einaudi composes the scene beautifully with a chilling piano score. I slowly pick up the glass and realise that it represents my life, it's not full... there is something missing and every time I drink it is getting less and less full. I down the drink. It is empty. Just as I am about to break the Barman comes over and fills my glass "No! I'm only 23" I think to myself "It's okay that I haven't figured everything out yet. Life is full of ups and downs and that's okay." Colour begins to fill the screen, everything is warming up. The guy next to me goes to grab some peanuts from the bar and knocks my drink over my favourite shirt... The colour drains... I cry.
On this night, I happened to be in Overly Confident Ross mode which is why when my work colleague said "Hey, Lets go to the strip club" I replied "Great! More women for me to scare away!".
So we rock up to this strip club in Peterborough and there's a big bouncer guy on the door, he goes "Rules are, no touching, no phones and no abusive behaviour towards the dancers". I'm not worried, I'm respectful, my phones got like 10% battery and I doubt I'm going to play FIFA with one of them so no abusive behaviour from me. £10 Entry, about the same it costs to go see a film a the cinema. No worries.
We walk in and its pretty dire as you expect, there's not really many people in there just a few seedy old men and us, there's about 7 or 8 girls walking around in their underwear and one on the stage dancing on a pole.
I know for a fact that if I was sober I would have probably exploded with discomfort, but alcohols a beautiful thing. We sit down on a table and there are a couple chairs around us. All of a sudden I hear "Hey Cutie" (she started as she meant to go on... with a lie) and a stripper sits on my lap. I'm like, alright, this is weird, there's a free chair right next to me but sure just sit on my lap, I guess you wearing just your underwear gives you some sort of confidence sword that strikes down peoples personal space. So this stripper has pissed me off already, its not that I didn't like what was happening, its just more that I didn't understand it, I like to ease myself into new situations, which is why I order the same thing from domino's every single time.. Calories and guilt.
So this stripper's just sat on my lap and just sort of sighs and goes, "I could do with a drink". A clear hint to me that I should go and buy her a drink.. But I play hard ball, you have to get up pretty early to catch me out with those tricks I thought to myself, I know her game, So I just say to her "Me too, I'll have a Beer" My work colleague looks mortified at what I just said and sort of intervenes and says he will get the drinks. So he wonders off to the bar and its just me and this woman in an empty corner of a room.
So anyway, perhaps it was the mix of alcohol and the fact I had never been to a strip club before I gave in.. But almost definitely 100% peer pressure.. I accepted to have a dance. She leads me into this room and I sit down on the sofa, I've still got my beer with me, at this point I'm clenching it tight hoping she doesn't try and have a swig, shes already said she wanted one. So she looks me dead in the eye and takes off her bra, I'm hating this, I'm way too awkward for things like this, so I'm debating in my head whether or not I should look or just try and seem unimpressed. Then I remember I paid for this so I should really look, my eyes are going all over the place, I'm surprised my eyes didn't roll back and I warged into the stripper herself like bran from Game of Thrones. Anyway, so she continues, shes doing her dance, and all of a sudden she takes her knickers off.. Now this may be me being a naive fool, but I never knew strippers got fully nude, I mean, my experience of strip clubs up to this point was through movies and GTA V, and they always had pants on. So I am completely shocked... The dance finishes and I storm out, a little horrified by what I have just learnt..
I go up to my work colleague about to reveal this excruciatingly important information to him but hes being chatted up by two strippers, they are everywhere, There is no escape. I calmly and quietly sit down and he goes to me "I've worked out a sweet deal where we get to have a dance together" So I get dragged up and taken into another room, there are two sofas in the room one on one side and the other completely opposite, he sits on one and I sit on the other and the dances begin. I'm not entirely sure what the point of having a dance together was because we couldn't exactly partake in interesting conversations and banter when we were so far apart, so I sort of give him a wave whilst both strippers are looking away as an attempt to further bond and let him know that I am thinking of him. He sort of shakes his head in embarrassment but I know that he really wanted to wave back.
Anyway, we are coming towards the end of this dance and I've not really been paying attention when all of a sudden my stripper sort of grinds with her butt about half way down my leg. What happens next took pretty much the whole room by surprise. A noise emerges from down below, the stripper looks at me and is like "What the fuck was that?!". I look behind her to see my friends face in complete disbelief and his naked lady looking at me like I had just voted for Donald Trump in the presidential elections.
I play it cool as a cucumber, I just reach down into my pocket and pull out my Darth Vader key ring with light saber noise effects and light up eyes. I press the button on it again and shine the light around the room displaying the amazing features of something that I am proud to have my keys attached to. I look them all dead in the eye and say "It's cool right? I got it as a Secret Santa present last year when I worked in Game".
I have attached a small video element to this blog where you too, can be amazed at this piece of engineering beauty.
About 20 minutes and a couple drinks later, I have decided to ignore my friends recent lecture on how I should behave in a strip club and decide to regress back to my usual self deprecating time bomb of awkwardness. I begin thinking its a good idea to wave at the stripper who is currently hung half way down a pole upside down. She sort of does a bit of an impressive flip round the right way and waves back at me.
She finishes her routine and comes straight over, she looks at me funny and then goes "Oh, I thought I knew you", I tell her that I just have one of those faces, and she asks me why I waved? "I just like waving".
She sits down with us and looks a bit tired, but shes a hard worker and starts to try and graft me to have another dance. I'm pretty much done at this point, I'd seen enough boobs to put my browser history to shame and I just wanted a normal chat. I just start asking her really random questions. She tells me she loves dogs and suddenly my face lights up! "I HAVE A DOG! I ALSO LOVE DOGS! HERE'S MY DOG!" I get my phone out and show her Luther. She doesn't seem impressed at all. I'm a little offended, my dog is awesome I think to myself, I shout across the way to my friend and his stripper "Hey. Don't you find Luther awesome?". Once again I get disapproving looks from my friend, I also notice behind him a very disapproving look from a rather towering bald man.. It happens that in my drunken state I may have forgotten one of the rules... Phones aren't even allowed for sharing cute animal pictures or memes.
It's getting near the end of the night now and I am still talking to Kat (Let's be realistic, I don't remember her name...). She tells me that she's having a good time talking to me and wants to continue the conversation in the back.. I ask if they have Mario Kart back there and she laughs and leads me into the back... There wasn't Mario Kart.
So we are in this new room and there is a bed, she offers me a dance and by this time I'm once again at that state of, why not?. I lay back on the bed and feel the sprung mattress dig into my back, I say to her that she should get a Sleep Genie Adam Mattress but she ignores me. I lay there looking at the ceiling when all of a sudden... Well... The only way to describe it.. Is she roly poly'd on me. She sort of put her head on the end of the bed and flipped over so that her legs were now either side of my face and I was staring into, what can only be described as, an Ood from Doctor Who.
I'm struggling to come to terms with what just happened, I used to Roly Poly on my bed when I was about 10 pretending to be a Power Ranger, but this grown women has just done it to me, on top of me.. and I bloody paid for it. Just as I think things can't get any weirder, she takes her knickers which she was holding in her hand.. and just places them on my head. She put them on me! and then sort of leans back and tilts her head and say's "Awww look, now you're the king of the strip club"... SHE JUST CROWNED ME WITH HER KNICKERS...
It also didn't grant me any power... I said to her as King that I wanted my money back, she ignored me again.
The dance finishes and I get up from the bed and try to walk out, she forcefully takes my crown off of me in a rather quick swipe which would be enough to give a small toddler whiplash.
The strip club DJ says the place is closing and we leave.
The next morning I wake up with a terrible hangover and a feeling of dread.. I suddenly realise how much I spent in there...
£119.
Never Again.
Thanks for reading, please don't come up to me and put your underwear on my head. I won't pay you.
If you enjoyed this please give it a share, tell your friends, show it to a stripper, give it a like and most importantly have a fantastic Christmas.
This will be my last blog of 2016 (I might do some in 2017) and I just want to say a massive thank you for anyone who's taken the time to read them, It really means a lot!
If you are a first time reader, why not check out my other entries? Here are some links!
Remember the time my Ex's Dad took me to court?
Remember the time I went on an unsuccessful date?
Remember the time I was on Dating Apps?
As for the night out it was pretty standard, our group thinned as the night went on, some to go home due to being too drunk and some to go drink tea and watch the Jungle Book. Until there was just me and a friend left.
I'm not sure what it is about my relationship with alcohol, it can do one of two things to me.
1. Overly Confident Ross: Imagine a tortoise in a shell, all his life he was raised to use this shell as protection from being attacked by female tortoises'. Imagine that one day that same tortoise was minding his own business and happened upon some whiskey smelling liquid in his garden. Imagine the tortoise drank some. What does the tortoise learn? He learns that he's mother fucking Blastoise from Pokemon and he has nothing to fear! He swaggers over to the lady tortoises (of course he bloody does) and even if they reject him (which they clearly will, he's no Charizard), its like *ping* his shell is indestructible, the rejections just bounce off. He is confident, he is funny, he just has no cares in the world. Until of course the morning after when he realises he is just a tortoise.
2. Existential Crisis Ross: I'm in a black and white film. I'm sat at a bar on a Wednesday night, alone. I stare at my drink in front of me, the liquid sits peacefully exactly half way in the glass. I ponder, is my glass half full or is it half empty? Ludovico Einaudi composes the scene beautifully with a chilling piano score. I slowly pick up the glass and realise that it represents my life, it's not full... there is something missing and every time I drink it is getting less and less full. I down the drink. It is empty. Just as I am about to break the Barman comes over and fills my glass "No! I'm only 23" I think to myself "It's okay that I haven't figured everything out yet. Life is full of ups and downs and that's okay." Colour begins to fill the screen, everything is warming up. The guy next to me goes to grab some peanuts from the bar and knocks my drink over my favourite shirt... The colour drains... I cry.
On this night, I happened to be in Overly Confident Ross mode which is why when my work colleague said "Hey, Lets go to the strip club" I replied "Great! More women for me to scare away!".
So we rock up to this strip club in Peterborough and there's a big bouncer guy on the door, he goes "Rules are, no touching, no phones and no abusive behaviour towards the dancers". I'm not worried, I'm respectful, my phones got like 10% battery and I doubt I'm going to play FIFA with one of them so no abusive behaviour from me. £10 Entry, about the same it costs to go see a film a the cinema. No worries.
We walk in and its pretty dire as you expect, there's not really many people in there just a few seedy old men and us, there's about 7 or 8 girls walking around in their underwear and one on the stage dancing on a pole.
I know for a fact that if I was sober I would have probably exploded with discomfort, but alcohols a beautiful thing. We sit down on a table and there are a couple chairs around us. All of a sudden I hear "Hey Cutie" (she started as she meant to go on... with a lie) and a stripper sits on my lap. I'm like, alright, this is weird, there's a free chair right next to me but sure just sit on my lap, I guess you wearing just your underwear gives you some sort of confidence sword that strikes down peoples personal space. So this stripper has pissed me off already, its not that I didn't like what was happening, its just more that I didn't understand it, I like to ease myself into new situations, which is why I order the same thing from domino's every single time.. Calories and guilt.
So this stripper's just sat on my lap and just sort of sighs and goes, "I could do with a drink". A clear hint to me that I should go and buy her a drink.. But I play hard ball, you have to get up pretty early to catch me out with those tricks I thought to myself, I know her game, So I just say to her "Me too, I'll have a Beer" My work colleague looks mortified at what I just said and sort of intervenes and says he will get the drinks. So he wonders off to the bar and its just me and this woman in an empty corner of a room.
So anyway, perhaps it was the mix of alcohol and the fact I had never been to a strip club before I gave in.. But almost definitely 100% peer pressure.. I accepted to have a dance. She leads me into this room and I sit down on the sofa, I've still got my beer with me, at this point I'm clenching it tight hoping she doesn't try and have a swig, shes already said she wanted one. So she looks me dead in the eye and takes off her bra, I'm hating this, I'm way too awkward for things like this, so I'm debating in my head whether or not I should look or just try and seem unimpressed. Then I remember I paid for this so I should really look, my eyes are going all over the place, I'm surprised my eyes didn't roll back and I warged into the stripper herself like bran from Game of Thrones. Anyway, so she continues, shes doing her dance, and all of a sudden she takes her knickers off.. Now this may be me being a naive fool, but I never knew strippers got fully nude, I mean, my experience of strip clubs up to this point was through movies and GTA V, and they always had pants on. So I am completely shocked... The dance finishes and I storm out, a little horrified by what I have just learnt..
I go up to my work colleague about to reveal this excruciatingly important information to him but hes being chatted up by two strippers, they are everywhere, There is no escape. I calmly and quietly sit down and he goes to me "I've worked out a sweet deal where we get to have a dance together" So I get dragged up and taken into another room, there are two sofas in the room one on one side and the other completely opposite, he sits on one and I sit on the other and the dances begin. I'm not entirely sure what the point of having a dance together was because we couldn't exactly partake in interesting conversations and banter when we were so far apart, so I sort of give him a wave whilst both strippers are looking away as an attempt to further bond and let him know that I am thinking of him. He sort of shakes his head in embarrassment but I know that he really wanted to wave back.
Anyway, we are coming towards the end of this dance and I've not really been paying attention when all of a sudden my stripper sort of grinds with her butt about half way down my leg. What happens next took pretty much the whole room by surprise. A noise emerges from down below, the stripper looks at me and is like "What the fuck was that?!". I look behind her to see my friends face in complete disbelief and his naked lady looking at me like I had just voted for Donald Trump in the presidential elections.
I play it cool as a cucumber, I just reach down into my pocket and pull out my Darth Vader key ring with light saber noise effects and light up eyes. I press the button on it again and shine the light around the room displaying the amazing features of something that I am proud to have my keys attached to. I look them all dead in the eye and say "It's cool right? I got it as a Secret Santa present last year when I worked in Game".
I have attached a small video element to this blog where you too, can be amazed at this piece of engineering beauty.
About 20 minutes and a couple drinks later, I have decided to ignore my friends recent lecture on how I should behave in a strip club and decide to regress back to my usual self deprecating time bomb of awkwardness. I begin thinking its a good idea to wave at the stripper who is currently hung half way down a pole upside down. She sort of does a bit of an impressive flip round the right way and waves back at me.
She finishes her routine and comes straight over, she looks at me funny and then goes "Oh, I thought I knew you", I tell her that I just have one of those faces, and she asks me why I waved? "I just like waving".
She sits down with us and looks a bit tired, but shes a hard worker and starts to try and graft me to have another dance. I'm pretty much done at this point, I'd seen enough boobs to put my browser history to shame and I just wanted a normal chat. I just start asking her really random questions. She tells me she loves dogs and suddenly my face lights up! "I HAVE A DOG! I ALSO LOVE DOGS! HERE'S MY DOG!" I get my phone out and show her Luther. She doesn't seem impressed at all. I'm a little offended, my dog is awesome I think to myself, I shout across the way to my friend and his stripper "Hey. Don't you find Luther awesome?". Once again I get disapproving looks from my friend, I also notice behind him a very disapproving look from a rather towering bald man.. It happens that in my drunken state I may have forgotten one of the rules... Phones aren't even allowed for sharing cute animal pictures or memes.
It's getting near the end of the night now and I am still talking to Kat (Let's be realistic, I don't remember her name...). She tells me that she's having a good time talking to me and wants to continue the conversation in the back.. I ask if they have Mario Kart back there and she laughs and leads me into the back... There wasn't Mario Kart.
So we are in this new room and there is a bed, she offers me a dance and by this time I'm once again at that state of, why not?. I lay back on the bed and feel the sprung mattress dig into my back, I say to her that she should get a Sleep Genie Adam Mattress but she ignores me. I lay there looking at the ceiling when all of a sudden... Well... The only way to describe it.. Is she roly poly'd on me. She sort of put her head on the end of the bed and flipped over so that her legs were now either side of my face and I was staring into, what can only be described as, an Ood from Doctor Who.
I'm struggling to come to terms with what just happened, I used to Roly Poly on my bed when I was about 10 pretending to be a Power Ranger, but this grown women has just done it to me, on top of me.. and I bloody paid for it. Just as I think things can't get any weirder, she takes her knickers which she was holding in her hand.. and just places them on my head. She put them on me! and then sort of leans back and tilts her head and say's "Awww look, now you're the king of the strip club"... SHE JUST CROWNED ME WITH HER KNICKERS...
It also didn't grant me any power... I said to her as King that I wanted my money back, she ignored me again.
The dance finishes and I get up from the bed and try to walk out, she forcefully takes my crown off of me in a rather quick swipe which would be enough to give a small toddler whiplash.
The strip club DJ says the place is closing and we leave.
The next morning I wake up with a terrible hangover and a feeling of dread.. I suddenly realise how much I spent in there...
£119.
Never Again.
Thanks for reading, please don't come up to me and put your underwear on my head. I won't pay you.
If you enjoyed this please give it a share, tell your friends, show it to a stripper, give it a like and most importantly have a fantastic Christmas.
This will be my last blog of 2016 (I might do some in 2017) and I just want to say a massive thank you for anyone who's taken the time to read them, It really means a lot!
If you are a first time reader, why not check out my other entries? Here are some links!
Remember the time my Ex's Dad took me to court?
Remember the time I went on an unsuccessful date?
Remember the time I was on Dating Apps?
Hi, I know the stripper in question, and I think it was totally inappropriate for you to be carrying a Darth Vader keychain, much less whip it out and show it off.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't you see she was so obviously a Trekkie?! You're disgusting.
I need to get that keyring for myself , it seems like a good investment. I am surprised that your inner Pokemon wasn't like "I've got to catch them all" when you were in the strip club.
ReplyDeleteHi, my name is Kat, and I'm a stripper from Peterborough, I actually have a really nice vaginal area, and I don't appreciate you referring to it as an Ood from doctor who.
ReplyDeletecould you please take this blog down, or I will look at taking legal action for defamation of my private parts.
P.S. I loved the keyring.
Thank You For Your Great Article!!
ReplyDeleteAre you looking for a strip club and lap dancing venue in London? Enjoy the sexiest dancers and hottest strippers at Browns-Shoreditch.
Great Article!!
ReplyDeleteThe Horns is a strip club in Shoreditch, London. We have beautiful and sexy dancers performing table dancing. Come and enjoy with the hottest strippers.