6.5/10 | The Art Of Dating Apps

Do you like Pictures? This Blog has loads of pictures, of text, that you have to read.

But,

Before I begin, I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has been reading my blogs, I am genuinely so humbled by the support and love that they have received. If you've never read any of my blogs here is what others have had to say:

"Love your blogs Ross" - Jan
"Looking forward to your next blog post. You're a very funny writer!" - Bobby
"Love reading these, helps me take my mind off of my own appalling love life." - WIll
"This is the best thing in the world. Thank you Ross" - Holly
"This happened 4 years ago and it just shows that you have no respect for people" Anonymous

I love all the feedback I have received so thank you! 

Moving on.

The famous saying is "Write about what you know", which is why most of you are scratching your head at the title. However, contrary to belief, Me, a 23 year old, single, self deprecating and desperate fool is on dating apps. It's not that it's a complete disaster, which will upset most of you, it's just that, like your favourite TV show when it hits series 3, it's not going well (there are exceptions I know, but just let me have that one, okay?).

But before we get to Dating Apps, let's talk the real world.

I've always been a bit of a romantic and old fashioned when it comes to dating. I want to wine and dine you, serenade you, write you poem-

I'm kidding, what I really want to do is take you to laser tag and shoot you in the face with a laser show that rivals Epcot at Disney on New Years Eve. It's then quite hard to believe that I haven't been on that many dates, probably less than five. The dates I have been on have been a bit hit and miss, for example, one date spawned a relationship that lasted nearly two years, which I would call a success, whilst another ended with the girl getting back with her ex, I count that one as a failure.

I think the main reason I don't go on more dates, other than being a 6.5/10, is that half the time I chase after the wrong girls.

Take for example my Secondary School crush. This girl I fancied for years, I thought she was absolutely amazing, I would go weak at the knees every time she passed me in the playground and would choke up if she ever tried to talk to me. I remember working up the courage to tell her how I felt on MSN, I'd logged on and off again 5 times in a row just to get her attention only to be met with a resounding "no" to my advances... Anyway.. she has a girlfriend now. WRONG GIRL

Take for example my first crush in my new school for sixth form (no, not the one from the Nandos blog). We were great friends and I even went to see her Christmas show performance of the Grinch just because I thought it would help me get further with her, It didn't, but the show was actually pretty good so.. Anyway, I mistook her friendship for "I love you Ross, you will be the father to my child".. Well I'm not. WRONG GIRL (Congrats by the way!)

Take also for example the stripper I had a lap dance from recently. She was awesome. Down to earth, incredibly beautiful and loved Dogs (Yes, I talked to a stripper about dogs. I showed her a picture of Luther, I also showed her my Star Wars key ring, she loved it). Things were going great until I had to pay. Bit of a gold digger, only in it for the money. WRONG GIRL

But it's hard on a day to day basis to meet someone that you genuinely like and connect with. The likelihood of me playing PS4, eating 5 sausage rolls in a row and a girl bursting through my door and making love to me is 0%.. Although it sounds like a decent plot for a porno.

So how do you meet and talk to someone? In the modern day it's a very rare thing (unless alcohol is involved) for a guy to have the courage to walk up to a girl and strike up a conversation. Which is why I will forever be awkwardly staring at the really pretty girl who sits across the way in the office space. It's just not in our nature. Is it the fear of rejection? Is it the need to play it cool? I'm not sure.

But, of course, like most things, there is an App for that
Tinder/Plenty of Fish

See, Dating Apps are a beautiful thing. It takes the most romantic, courageous and confident aspects of a guy walking up to a girl and saying hello and replaces them with seediness, cowardliness and fake confidence that allows them to message "nudes?".

Guys, I'm going to let you into a little secret, these sites are great, but, if like me, you are rated under a 7 in the looks department, then don't expect to get many matches.

Now I've probably divided you, you're either thinking "Oh don't be so hard on yourself Ross, you're attractive enough" Or "Naa to be fair Ross, you look like Neville Longbottom"

- Side note. You know what annoys me the most when people say that? It's afterwards when they say "Yeah but the guy who played Neville Longbottom is hot now" and I'm like.. Yes.. But I don't look like Matthew Lewis the now attractive actor.. I look like Neville fucking Longbottom. Matthew Lewis had to have a fat suit and false teeth. I could have saved Warner Brothers fortunes. 

But anyway, that's not to say that I don't get the occasional match, because I do. I'm not sure whether it's what my Bio says, the fact I have Luther in my picture or that the girl is epileptic and someone flashed a light in her eye and the spasm accidentally sent her swiping finger flying right.

Here's my Tinder for Reference.

So that's success right? Nope. Once you've mutually agreed that you sorta like the idea of seeing the other one naked you then need to actually message.

So at first I struggled finding what the perfect message is to say. The problem is girls on Dating websites get hundreds of guys messaging them, so saying something like "hey" or "hows it going?" just isn't going to make you stick out.. I also wouldn't recommend poems.

*The screenshots you are about to see are completely real, these are sourced by mine and Matt Arter's (another lonely heart) experiences on Tinder and Plenty of Fish. Pictures on Tinder have been hidden and Usernames and Pictures on Plenty of Fish have been hidden to protect the identities of those involved and stop any unwanted defamation of character (Although, That's not how Defamation of Character works, but a lot of people don't know that)
Im getting good at disclaimers.

At first I tried generic attempts to be funny.. met with resounding rejection.

There was the one who didn't like the Kaiser Chiefs

The one who didn't get a blatant reference

And the one who didn't like this excellent play on her name. Like really, I thought I was a bloody genius for this one..

After a while of getting rejected and no replies I watched a video (yes, I did my bloody research) on how to send interesting messages, and this one Youtube channel suggested role playing divorce as a method of getting their attention, a typical conversation would be as follows:

"Hey! I have some bad news!"
"Whats that?"
"Our Divorce papers have come through, I'm taking the cheese toasty machine and silk sheets"
"Well I'm taking the dog and the Television..."
and then we go from there.. It actually works pretty well and I've gotten a few numbers from doing this.

You're now thinking "Okay, that's cute Ross, but why have you told us this?" and the answer is you need to know that is my usual go to chat up line before being met with these amazing rejections.. I said it worked pretty well, not that it works all the time.

There was the one where I thought it was going really well... but wasn't.

The one who wanted to go on Jeremy Kyle

and the one who was going through a really tough time

You may be wondering (If you're still reading this, bloody hell, this one isn't as good as the last two is it?) if anything has ever gone further with any matches and successful conversations I have had. Could it be a modern romantic tale? He swipes the girl, He fake divorces the girl, He gets the girls number, He gets the girl to date him, He falls in love with the girl, He gets the girl to fall in love with him. Answer is, No. In all honesty, I've only gone on one actual tinder date and a bird shat on me whilst we were sat on a bench in town.. A pigeon that is.. Not her.

If I'm being honest, I go on these websites out of boredom and loneliness rather than an actual need to find a romantic partner. Sure, I would love to meet someone I really like but I know deep down that my future wife isn't Hannah who has the dog snapchat filter on and lives 22km away, but until I bump into the famous actress that I will marry, at the Oscars, after months of planning and stalking, she'll do.

If you do happen to enjoy what I write, it really does mean the world to me when you praise me like a dog who's suddenly stopped shitting in the house and learnt that it's much more fun to do it in places where people might step in it, so give it a like, a comment or even a share.

Super-like and out.